Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
