I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
