The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
