For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
