I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
