Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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