i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
