wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
