mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
