Pants 0. Shit 1.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This can only be settled by a dance off.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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