At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
