Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
