so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You can't motorboat a personality
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
time to smoke my breakfast
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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