My friends, they love my intelligence
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
