I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
