You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
