I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
