I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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