There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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