I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
