I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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