I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i drank out of a bidet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
