Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
