my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
