My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
