I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
