found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
