It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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