4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
