Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
