i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
