I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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