i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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