so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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