Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize