Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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