i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
