I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
