Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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