Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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