just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
