i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.