Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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