Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
