and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
