The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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