Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
