I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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