I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
