Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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