Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
