Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
