I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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