They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
