Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
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You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
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I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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