She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
